It has been so long since I have logged into my flickr account, I actually forgot my login details and had to do it three times.

Well, here is the picture that has caused me to dust the cobwebs off my flickr account (at least the login part)

I am happily finishing this dessert as I type this post. This is one of the very few things that I remember fondly from my non-existent childhood.

I remember as a little girl, always pestering my parents that that supermarket to buy this. I think then I thought it was only available there, who knows. Yes, it doesn’t seem to taste the same as my memory remembers it but maybe it is because the circumstances are all different. Maybe my palate has tasted different perfections (I am being to taste the nuances in some alcohols. Ok getting off track), different amazements. There is a possibility that they have changed the recipe, but I don’t really believe that.

I’ve changed, my tastes have changed with it. But I guess, some things never change. I need to finish my dessert before it melts into a googey mess.

Am I too ambitious? Aiming too high? Bitten off more than I can chew?

It feels like I am drowning at work. Every ball that I am supposed to be juggling seems to be landing on the ground with a loud thud. My emotions are running so high and wild that even I am afraid of myself a lot.

Self doubt and a lack of confidence is slowly chipping away at me. I have started second guessing myself in a lot of things and I am no loner sure of some of the decisions I am making. I don’t understand why this job is affecting me so much. My already shaky self confidence is now hanging on by a thin thread. I guess I need to figure out a way to keep myself together – somehow.

How is it that some of my colleagues seems to be able to cruise through their days while I am struggling so hard just too barely stay afloat? It does make me wonder if I am just not capable enough; that I have taken on too much and now I am drowning.

Someone asked me recently – why don’t I just leave. Sometime it feels like there is still something left for me to do; like there is some unfinished business that I cannot walk away from. But other days (like today), it feels that I am killing myself over nothing. That I am pushing myself too hard and too much for no reason. Even a rubber band breaks sometime doesn’t it?

This sense of aimlessness and void, is unnerving and I am afraid I am losing myself.

This plurk’s argument would probably never end. Yes, I know some of the things said there is cruel but a lot of it is true. Some will say TK is being the biggest jerk around, but I mostly agree with him. Tho, I don’t agree with all he says, and yes, I also know he says a lot of things that rubs people the wrong way, but a lot of it is logical fact. And everyone is entitled to their opinion – what I don’t like, I don’t bother about. And this is my opinion and I will not be sorry it if ruffles any feathers. It is my opinion and there is a little cross in the top right corner if you do not agree with me.

This post is not about him (Sorry TK). It is about the question – Pick me or your job.

This is the worse kind of question one can ask, which has no right answer. It is like the other question - if our ship is sinking and you can only save one person, will it be your mother or me? All of this part of the group of questions that have no correct answer (including the ubiquitous “am I fat?”). And by asking that of your loved one - to pick you or something else, is just giving a lot of added stress to the person.

It is a lose-lose situation for both parties. If the askee, picks the person over the job, he/she might feel that he/she has given up the job for the asker. If he (I’m going to just use he so I have to type less) picks the job over his love, well then, he has just let his love go. Anyone who has had to let someone go would understand the pain that follows.

The asker on the other hand, might have it blow up in her face if the man picks the job over her. Or she will have to live with someone that is unhappy that he had to give up his job for her. Either way, everyone loses somehow.

I will readily admit that I do not think like a lot of other women. As of now, I know if someone posed the “Pick me or your job” question, I would pick my job over any man. Why? Because my job is what defines me. It is part of what makes me who I am. If you cannot accept me as I can, then I have issues with being with you. If I chose to love someone, I love them for who they are. Not who I would like them to be. You don’t try to change your friends, why are you trying to change your significant other. Yes, this might be a very romanticised view on relationships, but I do believe that if love was to really succeed, people will just fit together.

Men and their careers are very sacred things. It is what defines them. No matter how much our society has advanced, the basic requirement of men bringing home the bacon has not changed. The society as a whole puts so much weight on the type of job he does, the salary he receives – all that is how the society defines a man; if he is able to support his family via his career.

So to make someone choose between you and something else, it is just cornering the person and forcing them to make a decision that would make both parties unhappy.

Today has been both a draining day and one that filled me with more energy. Yes, it is strange to have both ends of a spectrum. Then again, it is me. Since when was I normal?

The end of today at work had me huddle in a ball thanks to the repressed memories that I have been bottling inside of me for ages. Some would say, this is the straw that broke the camel’s back. Maybe this time I have nothing left to prove. I have already accomplished what I needed to accomplish and I know I am capable. It is now time to give someone else the space to step up as I have.

Others would say, I am gearing up to commit career suicide tonight. I just hope that as I type the email to my directors later, words will not fail me at all.

I went to a place where I haven’t gone in ages tonight in my daze to find some solace and some peace of mind. As I entered and had some time alone, I found myself relaxing muscles I never knew I had tensed up so badly. It was there in my solitude that I found my peace of mind. That I could for once think clearly on this subject and finally came to a decision. As I realised that I could live with my decision, I felt one with myself, something I haven’t felt in ages.

So as I clean off the cobwebs of the literary side of my brain by writing this post, I am also gearing up to tackle the email to my directors. It is not so much a dragging of my feet as it is in finding the words to tell them what my heart feels. Yes, it’s a big deal for me. Yes, it will no longer be the same once the email is sent.

But I do believe that it is time for me to say what needs to be said. It has always been said, there is a time and place for everything, and this is now my chance to get up on my soap box.

As obviously expected, I went to watch Underworld: Rise of the Lycans and I was definitely not disappointed at all.

My friend had said that the show didn’t give anything more than the previous two to the series. But my argument was that this is the Underworld series – are you watching it for anything else besides the action? I watched it only for the action sequences and because it is about vampires since I have this unhealthy obsession with them. Need there really be more?

I am a little surprised how much Rhonda Mitra looks like Kate Beckinsale. I still do think that Kate Beckinsale makes the better looking vampire. Rhoda’s honey gold skin turned pale looked a bit odd to say the least.

All is well and good as the action sequences did not fail to disappoint and I enjoyed every bit of it. Next vampire movie - Let The Right One In

I wonder if I am really lacking in sleep or that I am just making use of my bed because it is there.

Every weekend is mostly spent in bed, sleeping for the most part, since I never really seem to have plans. So while I can pad around the house, I normally just coop myself my in my room, with nothing much else to do there but sleep.

Even to the extent, I sleep through my meals. It is a wonder I am not skinny because I hardly eat any meals at all during the weekends.

Now I have this horrid migraine that refuses to go away even after I have eaten.

One week passes into another, with no real sense of it being different, a beginning or an end.

It feels like very weekend, I become a catatonic being. Since I have nothing to do, I just spend it cooped up in my room – mostly sleeping the entire weekend away. It definitely does feel like I am just wasting my life away, with no accomplishments, nothing. The zest and the passion I used to have (for life or otherwise) has disappeared. Disappeared till the point that there are no fragments of it left in my life. Just a void there or maybe the void has disappeared also.

Someone mentioned, maybe the solution to this is to have more friends. As with more friends, the likely hood of one of them being free when one asks, or they would be the ones doing the asking would be higher. Over the years, my circle of friends has not grown. In fact, it has shrunk. A few have life the country and other get caught up further in their busy lives while the only thing that seems to occupy my time is work.

I just the solution is to find my passion or something I am passionate about again. That would at least give me something to do.

So I am stealing Ngee Ann City’s program name for my post title.

But its so true to form that is hard to run away from. While I was walking down Orchard road, contemplating where to get a journey from, I hear the music coming from the heart of Ngee Ann City Plaza. I knew I just had to stop to listen.

So I snagged myself a stair and sat down to enjoy the St Pat’s military band – the Junior band apparently and they aren’t half bad. It was nice to hear them play both overtures and more pop hits like Can You Feel The Love Tonight and Twist & Shout. Those seem to be band favourites.

Now I am just sitting here waiting for the Senior band to get into formation, tune up their instruments and warm up.

The Senior band’s conductor introduces the next song as “From Michael Buble” GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! Why does everyone credit Michael Buble only?!?!?!? When so many other people have sung it and he was not the first person to make it popular. Sigh, what is this state of our musical education. Thankfully, the band made up for the anguish that the conductor had caused. They were pretty good. I felt like getting up and dancing but unfortunately there was no one to dance with me.

As a finale piece, the band put together a melody of ABBA songs tho the person who introduced it went: songs from Mamma Mia and also the album ABBA Gold. I wonder if the kid knows that the songs form ABBA were used to write the play and not the other way around. But their melody was absolutely amazing.

Maybe I should really learn how to dance and maybe start going out with people so that I can dance when the music inspires. I’m so glad I had stopped to enjoy the music.

The fifteen days of the celebratory period of the Lunar New Year is over.

There is some sense of disappointment suddenly. Maybe it is because my family will probably forget me again since there is no requirement to call me anymore. Maybe it’s just odd for it to be over.

It is just depressing for it to be over so fast.

The last few days have been extremely difficult at work.

Because I was weak, now I am left to be vulnerable. Sometimes I play back the scene were I lost my self-control in my head and it just seems like it could not have had happened. It feels like a dream, so surreal on the edges of my mind.

I feel uncomfortable and no longer safe in the haven of my work. I am unsure where this path will take me. The flight response is now very strong within me and it worries me. I am spiraling and I do not know how to stop this.

I feel lost and alone and scared on what I might do next. Why was I so weak to begin with?