….the floodgates open. I am no longer certain I can hold on.

This burden might be just too much.

Tomorrow, my brother throws the ceremonial stuff for his marriage. They have been married two years now. But that doesn’t stop them from going through this mayhem just for the sake of it.

While they are probably in bed getting their beauty rest, my brother’s insane sister is jumping all over her room trying to find her dress watch, pack her bag, stressing over everything and not really being much of an older sister.

I pray and hope that work doesn’t call me (like they have been doing so the last few days when I was on leave). I need some reprieve.

And as I type this – Butterfly Kiss starts playing. Just perfect. I am so proud of him for doing this. Something I probably would never do as a show for the relatives.

I know I haven’t played a huge role in his life. But I feel so proud of him nonetheless. He has done well, when the rest of us are still just trying to “do”. I love my sis-in-law to bits and I am really thankful they are a couple. It has been a great two years with the both of them and here is me wishing them many more to come.

To my little brother, I couldn’t ask for a better one. You make me so proud of you and all that you have done.

Just for the Magic Ponied Cowboy

Work has been crazy – I haven’t had a day off in over a month. I think I’m bone-tired…all the way to the core.

Tomorrow is the first day I don’t officially have to work since the madness started but I have brought back about 5-8kg of work. I think I might have just officially become a workaholic after teetering on the edge for so long.

This past two months has not been good to me. While I’ve been getting to do a varied amount of projects, the rest of my life is suffering. I’m now sitting in my room with no one to go out with and nothing to do.

And I forgot it was a Friday night. That says a lot about my concept of time.

Regardless of the 8kg of work I have brought back, I would like to have some semblance of a life this weekend. I know its last minute, but does anyone have free time in their schedules to accommodate poor little me even tho I have been turning all your invites down?

Messsage me! Call me! Email me! Plurk me! (Ok, so plurk is another story for another time)

Ages ago, the fan that was in my room died. It kept tripping the entire house every time I turned it on.  So I had no choice but to throw it out.

For a long while now, I have only been using the air-conditioning as it can get very warm in my room on most days. While I’m no pampered princess, sometimes the need for air movement makes all the difference, so I’ve been using the aircon more than I would normally like to

Finally today while walking off my dinner – I finally decided to get myself a brand new spanking fan! Just opening the box made me feel all happy about it.

As I look at it now, it just seems to make my day all nice and fuzzy.

The simple things that can just make one like me happy.

I opened this page to blog about topics that have been floating around in my head for ages. Twenty minutes later, I am still staring at a blank page.

I am not longer sure if work is taking a toll or if I’m just tired out by my own hand.

I can’t be sure if I’m doing better at work or not. Currently I am just worn down and working through everything that is thrown at me. Some days seems better than hours, and even some hours in a day can be miles apart from another one.

I keep bring home work to do, but not a lot gets completed… this weekend I brought back work again, tho I am not sure why I did so since I have an almost fully packed weekend.

Right now I am just too tired to even go and do the number of things I have waiting for me. I wonder if I should go receive my friend at the airport even since I have to be back in this part of the island a couple hours after he lands.

I keep telling myself I have to blog, but I don’t. I have a whole list of blog topics, which I put in my PDA, but now I have forgotten what half of them was about. I feel like I am pushing myself too hard but I don’t know how to stop that.

It’s been ages since I have seen most of my friends. It seems that colleagues tend to be the people you spend your life with. I have been eating dinner with my colleagues pretty often these days. But at least they are nice people. The relationship between some of my colleagues is improving and I am thankful for that.

Thank you once again for everything. I’m glad I went. As a continuation to the note, I am very grateful that you are in my life. At times, it’s just enough to know that you are walking beside me and egging me on.

Yes I know my school of thought that I am not worthy of what has already been given to me. But I think it’s just a process I need to work through and thank you for letting me walk at my own pace with my insane notions and complete and utter inability to sometimes progress forward. I am deeply appreciative that you are willing to be so utterly patient amidst all my failings.

While you embark on this new journey, I have nothing but great wishes and my thoughts and prayers will always be with you. I know you will do so brilliantly well and I have utmost faith in you that you will always succeed on this path you have chosen.

I went to support my friend today and with our conversation just the other night; I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. Which I hope I can translate into action – something that has been prone to elude me.

I have been fighting with my faith and because I feel undeserving I have alienated myself for no good reason. With all the changes that have been happening in my life and the shift in my thinking, there is a part of me that really misses my faith and all that goes along with it.

I had made a list, I guess there seems to be no other word to call it but resolutions, at the beginning of the year. I kinda lost the list and I have been wanting to make a post on the update of my resolutions for a while now. But I’ll leave that for a separate post when I get around to writing it (I have a lot of outstanding posts to finish writing apparently).

One of the many things that had landed on the list was to figure out what I wanted to do with my faith – if I wanted to completely walk away and not care anymore or to recommit myself somehow, somewhere, sometime.

Like a ton of bricks it hit me today, I don’t think I can ever just walk away. Although I have stopped practicing for a while now, my belief has never wavered or changed. The only reason why I stopped was because I didn’t feel worthy anymore. Yes I stupid and odd thought, but it was my stumbling block in any case.

So I guess now the only thing left to do is to repair it since I know I am not able to walk down the other path. Dan…will you just be there in case?

With the looming mounting work that I have (and keep dragging back every night and back in the morning undone), I just couldn’t motivate myself to get cracking on the huge stack of work. Instead, I spent my day downstairs with the children and the couch.

We suddenly dragged out photos, yellow with age and had a good trip down memory lane and a lot of great laughs. The stark difference between my friend’s photos and mine was a little shocking.

Mine has all sorts of scenery, events and sometimes my friends. But there is a sore lack of photos of myself. While my friend’s had her gorgeous face in the majority of sorts with her various friends and all. I wonder why I don’t seem to take photos of the people instead of purely scenery.

I don’t really remember what I looked like two years ago even. My cousins have found photos of the family when we are little children and it has struck a chord in me since I have had no photos of myself in ages. I cannot really remember what I looked like three years ago even. I will probably regret the day that I didn’t take photos to immortalise myself in ten years down the road.

Out of the blue, I am feeling narcissistic. It has hit me like a ton of bricks