Today has been both a draining day and one that filled me with more energy. Yes, it is strange to have both ends of a spectrum. Then again, it is me. Since when was I normal?

The end of today at work had me huddle in a ball thanks to the repressed memories that I have been bottling inside of me for ages. Some would say, this is the straw that broke the camel’s back. Maybe this time I have nothing left to prove. I have already accomplished what I needed to accomplish and I know I am capable. It is now time to give someone else the space to step up as I have.

Others would say, I am gearing up to commit career suicide tonight. I just hope that as I type the email to my directors later, words will not fail me at all.

I went to a place where I haven’t gone in ages tonight in my daze to find some solace and some peace of mind. As I entered and had some time alone, I found myself relaxing muscles I never knew I had tensed up so badly. It was there in my solitude that I found my peace of mind. That I could for once think clearly on this subject and finally came to a decision. As I realised that I could live with my decision, I felt one with myself, something I haven’t felt in ages.

So as I clean off the cobwebs of the literary side of my brain by writing this post, I am also gearing up to tackle the email to my directors. It is not so much a dragging of my feet as it is in finding the words to tell them what my heart feels. Yes, it’s a big deal for me. Yes, it will no longer be the same once the email is sent.

But I do believe that it is time for me to say what needs to be said. It has always been said, there is a time and place for everything, and this is now my chance to get up on my soap box.

I went to support my friend today and with our conversation just the other night; I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. Which I hope I can translate into action – something that has been prone to elude me.

I have been fighting with my faith and because I feel undeserving I have alienated myself for no good reason. With all the changes that have been happening in my life and the shift in my thinking, there is a part of me that really misses my faith and all that goes along with it.

I had made a list, I guess there seems to be no other word to call it but resolutions, at the beginning of the year. I kinda lost the list and I have been wanting to make a post on the update of my resolutions for a while now. But I’ll leave that for a separate post when I get around to writing it (I have a lot of outstanding posts to finish writing apparently).

One of the many things that had landed on the list was to figure out what I wanted to do with my faith – if I wanted to completely walk away and not care anymore or to recommit myself somehow, somewhere, sometime.

Like a ton of bricks it hit me today, I don’t think I can ever just walk away. Although I have stopped practicing for a while now, my belief has never wavered or changed. The only reason why I stopped was because I didn’t feel worthy anymore. Yes I stupid and odd thought, but it was my stumbling block in any case.

So I guess now the only thing left to do is to repair it since I know I am not able to walk down the other path. Dan…will you just be there in case?