I have always like being random. It makes people around me stay on their toes and sometimes stuns people into speechless. Anyway, who wants to be boring and staid? Definitely not me! I like spice and continual change.

Recently I have come into contact with someone who might be the most random person ever – that says a lot when most of the people around me are fairly random too. Yes, that gets us into hilarious situations from time to time but I digress. Unfortunately for me, it’s the worse relationship possible – this random-est person I have ever met is my boss.  Obviously that does not bode well for me.

Imagine this scenario – you are happy working on some project that needs to be complete, only to see the Outlook alert tell you that your boss has sent a new message.  Like any good staff, I switch to my Outlook to see if I can solve this immediately so the boss doesn’t have to wait.

But what is on my screen completely confounds me – a 3 sentence email with a 1 word subject heading.  I am left to fill in the blanks to what exactly my boss needs me to do. Even some of my closest friends needs more information than that to figure out what I am trying to say. What makes everything even more confusing – we were talking about something completely different just barely two hours before.

Some of my friends think I have met my match… but I believe it has yet to be seen as I’m sure I can come up with something more random than my boss.

So tata for now while I go and read in between the nonexistent lines to figure out what I am supposed to do.

So, one month later… my life has drastically altered again. Tho not for the better this time.

As my cousin said, its not the job or the job scope that kills me. It is my own self that does the job pretty well. That being said, I am once again working fifteen hour days, seven days a week. I haven’t seen the sun much and family and friends have taken to coming to my office to “visit” me since I haven’t seen them since I started work.

The grim reality is, do I really want to do a job in any other way? Will I be happier if I go back at six every day, not really caring if I am doing a good job or not in the company. Leaving all my work, coz of the mantra – there is never an empty intray.

Where does that really leave me? A life filled only with work and no outside activites? Yes, in some sense, I am getting close to my colleague. The million dollar question is, is this worth is? Is defining myself by my job even a good idea? The other side of this coin, there is nothing else in my life besides a couple of extremely close friends whom I have failed in the last few weeks for various reasons which I know I need to atone for but I don’t know how or when.

Now, I am exploring a new option in my life which truly scares me. I have become so comfortable with the position I am in, that even considering moving out of my comfort zone makes me shiver. Sooner or later, I need to bite this bullet anyway. So I might as well do so now. We never regret the things we do, isn’t it? It is what we don’t try that makes us look back on our lives wondering what could have been.

Am I too ambitious? Aiming too high? Bitten off more than I can chew?

It feels like I am drowning at work. Every ball that I am supposed to be juggling seems to be landing on the ground with a loud thud. My emotions are running so high and wild that even I am afraid of myself a lot.

Self doubt and a lack of confidence is slowly chipping away at me. I have started second guessing myself in a lot of things and I am no loner sure of some of the decisions I am making. I don’t understand why this job is affecting me so much. My already shaky self confidence is now hanging on by a thin thread. I guess I need to figure out a way to keep myself together – somehow.

How is it that some of my colleagues seems to be able to cruise through their days while I am struggling so hard just too barely stay afloat? It does make me wonder if I am just not capable enough; that I have taken on too much and now I am drowning.

Someone asked me recently – why don’t I just leave. Sometime it feels like there is still something left for me to do; like there is some unfinished business that I cannot walk away from. But other days (like today), it feels that I am killing myself over nothing. That I am pushing myself too hard and too much for no reason. Even a rubber band breaks sometime doesn’t it?

This sense of aimlessness and void, is unnerving and I am afraid I am losing myself.

Today has been both a draining day and one that filled me with more energy. Yes, it is strange to have both ends of a spectrum. Then again, it is me. Since when was I normal?

The end of today at work had me huddle in a ball thanks to the repressed memories that I have been bottling inside of me for ages. Some would say, this is the straw that broke the camel’s back. Maybe this time I have nothing left to prove. I have already accomplished what I needed to accomplish and I know I am capable. It is now time to give someone else the space to step up as I have.

Others would say, I am gearing up to commit career suicide tonight. I just hope that as I type the email to my directors later, words will not fail me at all.

I went to a place where I haven’t gone in ages tonight in my daze to find some solace and some peace of mind. As I entered and had some time alone, I found myself relaxing muscles I never knew I had tensed up so badly. It was there in my solitude that I found my peace of mind. That I could for once think clearly on this subject and finally came to a decision. As I realised that I could live with my decision, I felt one with myself, something I haven’t felt in ages.

So as I clean off the cobwebs of the literary side of my brain by writing this post, I am also gearing up to tackle the email to my directors. It is not so much a dragging of my feet as it is in finding the words to tell them what my heart feels. Yes, it’s a big deal for me. Yes, it will no longer be the same once the email is sent.

But I do believe that it is time for me to say what needs to be said. It has always been said, there is a time and place for everything, and this is now my chance to get up on my soap box.

The last few days have been extremely difficult at work.

Because I was weak, now I am left to be vulnerable. Sometimes I play back the scene were I lost my self-control in my head and it just seems like it could not have had happened. It feels like a dream, so surreal on the edges of my mind.

I feel uncomfortable and no longer safe in the haven of my work. I am unsure where this path will take me. The flight response is now very strong within me and it worries me. I am spiraling and I do not know how to stop this.

I feel lost and alone and scared on what I might do next. Why was I so weak to begin with?

I had a late start to today as the morning plans were scratched at the last moment due to a non-functioning motherboard and the fact that I was up all night as I was sick.

So after a “wake up” call from my cousin who had already reached, I rushed out of the house in a frenzy down to Cathay to catch a movie – Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist

After (a late) dinner, I had this crazy suggestion to watch Twilight

So my cousin listened to his crazy cousin to go and watch another movie within hours of each other.

While both movies are good (which I will blog about separately), I realised how much I miss going to the movies. When I was much younger, which obviously seems like a lifetime ago now, I used to go pretty frequently to catch shows. Sometimes, I’ll just turn up at a box office and catch which ever show was about to start. There were sometimes jewels to be found.

Then I started working, and I went to the theatre less and less frequently. Even to the extent of missing movies I had wanted to catch. My currently list of To-Watch movies, seems to be growing larger only.

In some sense, I lost a part of myself. Earlier today, I was just considering the fact that almost all people I know have great passion for at least one thing in their life, if not more. I keep hearing of the passion people have and I realise I have lost all my passions in life. Work has almost consumed my entire being leaving me very little time for my personal activities. I guess its starting to worry me, tho I know it has been worrying many for a long time now.

So I guess I have a new goal, to be less tied to work… reignite my passions, and in some sense find out what my passions are now since the old ones have long died. Maybe I should start with a visit to the theatre at least once a week then. 

So the first ever Singapore F1 Grand Prix race ends tonight. (wow, I actually typed out the entire name of the race in its entirety.. probably a first for me)

In some sense, I am glad to see it end. This continuous partying, being plied with copious amounts of alcohol over the last month is really getting to me. But on the other hand, I am sad to see it end and I did not even manage to catch a glimpse of anything even though I had so much to do with the F1. Oh well, I guess you win some and you lose some.

Next week is not going to be any better. Huge project to execute and I do not feel anywhere near ready. I have a big decision to make on Monday, but I doubt I will even have time to talk to my director. This is not going to go very well. Maybe I should ask for more time or offer them a stay until we can get this ironed out. Or maybe they should just accept my decision.

Whatever it is, to my dearest cousin, you telling me I need to make time; is like telling me the ocean contains water. I know I have to do it but it is just not a good period of time for now. Yes I know we all only have 24 hours in a day. Maybe I’m just not as good at time management as you are.

Ok, so this post was to be about work and about what I am feeling about it. But as I typed it, I realised that I would not be able to post it due to its contents.

So yes… this is all it is. I am terribly unhappy and I am in a horrid mess.

I can’t be sure if I’m doing better at work or not. Currently I am just worn down and working through everything that is thrown at me. Some days seems better than hours, and even some hours in a day can be miles apart from another one.

I keep bring home work to do, but not a lot gets completed… this weekend I brought back work again, tho I am not sure why I did so since I have an almost fully packed weekend.

Right now I am just too tired to even go and do the number of things I have waiting for me. I wonder if I should go receive my friend at the airport even since I have to be back in this part of the island a couple hours after he lands.

I keep telling myself I have to blog, but I don’t. I have a whole list of blog topics, which I put in my PDA, but now I have forgotten what half of them was about. I feel like I am pushing myself too hard but I don’t know how to stop that.

It’s been ages since I have seen most of my friends. It seems that colleagues tend to be the people you spend your life with. I have been eating dinner with my colleagues pretty often these days. But at least they are nice people. The relationship between some of my colleagues is improving and I am thankful for that.