The fifteen days of the celebratory period of the Lunar New Year is over.

There is some sense of disappointment suddenly. Maybe it is because my family will probably forget me again since there is no requirement to call me anymore. Maybe it’s just odd for it to be over.

It is just depressing for it to be over so fast.

So the main part of the Lunar New Year is now over and for some reason it has been a subdued one for me.

Tho most of the family came back for dinner and visiting, it still seemed fairly quiet through out. I realise that I have gotten more adept at answering the CNY question – When are you getting married – which came a lot more this year.

I think my relatives think I am an old spinster already left on the shelf that no one wants to marry seeing the way they look at me and wish me luck in finding a man in the upcoming year.

There were a few good things that came out of the celebrations; namely that is nice to know that my brother cares about me and that I spent some quality time not just with my grandma (who was getting frustrated that I never came home) but with my cousins as well. Since I don’t really know them very well, and there always seems to be this huge chasm between us, it was nice to be able to talk, laugh, joke with them.

I guess sometimes it all just takes a small act that no one really pays attention to, to make someone else feel so important.

I had a late start to today as the morning plans were scratched at the last moment due to a non-functioning motherboard and the fact that I was up all night as I was sick.

So after a “wake up” call from my cousin who had already reached, I rushed out of the house in a frenzy down to Cathay to catch a movie – Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist

After (a late) dinner, I had this crazy suggestion to watch Twilight

So my cousin listened to his crazy cousin to go and watch another movie within hours of each other.

While both movies are good (which I will blog about separately), I realised how much I miss going to the movies. When I was much younger, which obviously seems like a lifetime ago now, I used to go pretty frequently to catch shows. Sometimes, I’ll just turn up at a box office and catch which ever show was about to start. There were sometimes jewels to be found.

Then I started working, and I went to the theatre less and less frequently. Even to the extent of missing movies I had wanted to catch. My currently list of To-Watch movies, seems to be growing larger only.

In some sense, I lost a part of myself. Earlier today, I was just considering the fact that almost all people I know have great passion for at least one thing in their life, if not more. I keep hearing of the passion people have and I realise I have lost all my passions in life. Work has almost consumed my entire being leaving me very little time for my personal activities. I guess its starting to worry me, tho I know it has been worrying many for a long time now.

So I guess I have a new goal, to be less tied to work… reignite my passions, and in some sense find out what my passions are now since the old ones have long died. Maybe I should start with a visit to the theatre at least once a week then. 

….the floodgates open. I am no longer certain I can hold on.

This burden might be just too much.

Tomorrow, my brother throws the ceremonial stuff for his marriage. They have been married two years now. But that doesn’t stop them from going through this mayhem just for the sake of it.

While they are probably in bed getting their beauty rest, my brother’s insane sister is jumping all over her room trying to find her dress watch, pack her bag, stressing over everything and not really being much of an older sister.

I pray and hope that work doesn’t call me (like they have been doing so the last few days when I was on leave). I need some reprieve.

And as I type this – Butterfly Kiss starts playing. Just perfect. I am so proud of him for doing this. Something I probably would never do as a show for the relatives.

I know I haven’t played a huge role in his life. But I feel so proud of him nonetheless. He has done well, when the rest of us are still just trying to “do”. I love my sis-in-law to bits and I am really thankful they are a couple. It has been a great two years with the both of them and here is me wishing them many more to come.

To my little brother, I couldn’t ask for a better one. You make me so proud of you and all that you have done.

In a bid to spend some time with PC, due to the fact I have been working my arse off with no life and weekends, I let her venture in my room on Saturday while I was trying to finish some work. (What’s new with a workaholic working right?) This time, my mobile phone was on my desk as I had been making some calls prior to her entering. Since that was the usual item she will pick up to entertain herself, the little monkey had to find something else to pique her interest. And boy did she spot a good one.

I was soon asked to help her lay my keyboard down on my bed and turn it on so she could have her fun at it. While she had let me press a few buttons to change the sound and play a couple or so notes for her, it wasn’t long before my hand was pushed away when I tried touching the keyboard.

It was nice playing a few simple tunes for her to hear. Unfortunately, the helper could hear the tune not her and she was terribly uninterested to hear me play and would rather bang away on the keyboard with no rhythm or tune.

After she left, I ran my fingers slowly across the keys and played, or at least try to play a few tunes. As the ivories tinkled (ok, so they are not ivory keys but it paints a pretty picture doesn’t it?) I was thinking of the various things I had set out to achieve at the beginning of this year. Of which one was to learn to play the keyboard. Since I have bought my keyboard – I haven’t practiced on it for more than 20 days. It sits right next to my bed but yet I am still not motivated enough to play it. For about an hour, I had my moments trying to play the tunes I am already supposed to know so well.

That same night, a lovely young lass had tempted me to go Wala to enjoy some great music from great musicians. I didn’t realise how much I had missed the UnXpected until hearing them play. It was a great chance for me to unwind and to just let my hair go since I have not had the opportunity to have a night out in ages. Tho the crowd seemed different, the music was still the same and I enjoyed myself thoroughly.

This overload, the good sort of overload, has gotten me thinking about my involvement with my music. Maybe I will finally make something of myself soon.

A while ago, we were all trying to get PC to start speaking as she was doing the baby babble for a long time.

Her speech has moved from baby babbles, to simple sentences already which amuses us to no end since sometimes the most hilarious things come out from that small one. I was very tickled with her vehement “no”s a while ago when she learnt the power of that word coupled with a look that could kill you if you had not listened to her.

Well, these days her sentences are way more complex. As I was walking out the door to go to work, I was floored by her statement and had to turn around, stop and process it.

That girl has learnt to say “Everyone pampers PC”. Where she has learnt that line from astounds me.

On the first day of the Lunar New Year – I end up crying. To some, it would not be the New Year yet, since it was in the wee hours of the morning, but I digress.

My eyes are swollen and they hurt like crazy and my mind is on overdrive. I’m taking apart every word said, every act that was done. Just to see if I missed anything out.

I am not so sure if I have been selfish and only saw what I wanted to see. When all is said and done, I think he has suffered more than me, tho we have had different hardships to endure due to the family. But I seem to be the one who is holding on to the grudges and grievances while he has forgiven and moved beyond it.

Have I put on blinders so that I only see what is in line with what I would like to believe and in line with my thoughts? Has this whole seven years been about me? Why is it so hard for me to just put everything behind me and move forward? These and so many more questions are swimming through my head at this moment.

I know I’m just not equipped or strong enough to do a lot of things, but now I start to wonder if I have sat down and just refused to do it citing various reasons that might not have held up if I really looked deep into it.

Sometimes I wonder why I think so much.

A sudden craving ended up to be a special moment with a memory that will always bring a smile to my face.

Finding my pancake mix in the cupboard spurred me to prepare some. And with all food, PC comes around asking for someone. A strange one she is, she might have eaten it before and did not like it, but she will ask for it again. I think she has yet to learn that things will always taste the same.

The last time we had pancakes, she adamantly refused to even try it. I believe this was during the period when she had just learnt how to say no and was putting her foot down whenever she could.

So in the middle of the afternoon, I dragged out the mini pan and started it up. Soon the wonderful smell of melted butter was all over the kitchen while PC kept poking her head in to be the little busybody she is. When we finally put the pancakes in front of her, boy did she finish them all in record time.

When she was done with all on her plate, I had already some more made coz I just didn’t feel satisfied with my couple of pieces. The grin on her face when we put some more on her plate was so magical and shone like a megawatt bulb.

Her expression after is the moment I will always remember. She passed me her empty plate and asked for more. For a moment there, Oliver Twist ran through my head. When I told her that there was none left, her pitiful expression mixed with the satisfaction of having something so delicious in her tummy had got me in stitches. Such a classic look from her, not something I would have expected from a two-year-old.

Who says pancakes are for breakfast only?

Coming back to see everyone seated in the living room with one saying to me over the din of the kids “Ice cream is more important than you” when I entered the house brought laughter to the lips of all the adults.

After dropping off my bags at the table, it just seemed the most natural thing to do to walk over and plonk myself on the couch and have my overdue dinner on the small table that was being used as makeshift dining table for the moment.

Amidst the chattering from the kids, it was really nice and homely to just sit there and let them come up to you and tell you things about their day. To watch the kids interact and find out more about the new one’s character. To have the grandmother wonder why the little one has squeezed herself between two adults and to find out that the motivation behind that is MacDonald’s French fries.

Simply perfect.