I just saw a video that my cousin had on his facebook. He used to be in this society and they had compiled this video.

The video was put together with photos that have been taken over the years to commemorate the time that this society had spent together. As I watched it, it tugged on my heartstrings.  Not only because it was a beautiful video to keep for memory and for the future members to remember their seniors by, but it was a testament to one of the main things I wanted in life.

I’ve been to gatherings of this society and I see how the members interact. Its like they are family. I always wished to have belonged somewhere. To be part of something, of a group, of a society. For some reason, that was just not my calling in life.

Maybe in this lot for this life, I have been tasked to walk alone. Nonetheless, it makes me pine to belong somewhere.

As is it, my job and my life is in a pretty huge mess which I cannot seem to extract myself from. Right, so one cannot extricate oneself from one’s life but it just seems like something I have to do just to fix everything.

Now I’m terribly frustrated that I have messed up my already messy until can die room. All coz I wanted my lappie (Kel) next to my bed so I can lie down and do stuff on my computer. I had to move my table, so the wires can come out and I still had to tug and tug at the wires so that it would extend out long enough to reach my bed. So the entire wiring area is a disaster and I think my power bar and the modem and router area are all a tangled up pile instead of the neat orderly way I placed them. Probably the only place in my room which has some form of order.

To top it all off, Kel isn’t really where I want her. *pulls hair out*

Today was a strange day. I was on the way home on my usual bus route. These days, I catch my much needed forty winks on the way to work or back. Without those precious moments of catnaps, I believe I would have collapsed ages ago.

Oddly enough, I was awake on the journey back. So I took in the surroundings as the bus traveled its typical route which I knew so well. While it was stationary, I was observing the other passengers awaiting their own bus to arrive. One lady was seated there, with her eyes downcast. For some reason I was drawn to her tho I couldn’t see her eyes. She had the look of defeat written all over her face as well as her body language.

My mind started wandering. Could she have had a bad day at work? Maybe she got fired? Or is she dreading her trip home as home gives her a new set of issues she will not have the energy to deal with? The possibilities were endless.

Then it hit me, I haven’t gone people watching in ages. I love to just sit and watch the people walk by. Create stories in my head or on paper and just go with the flow. To just be in the moment building my castles in the air. It gives my mind a good break from reality.

As I dwelled on it further, I have come to a conclusion that I have not done anything I love or even like to do in ages! I am starting to feel quite sorry for myself; even more sorrier than I felt for the lady seated the bus stop.

I did something today I am not completely proud of. I might be happier after this, but I am not completely sure of it.

I feel I have let someone down terribly tho she has constantly reassured me otherwise. With all the faith she had put in with me, in some sense I wish I have betrayed her.

It was a strange day nonetheless. I do still think that I am too trusting and naive for my own good and that I sway so easily (not just to Frank)

I know I have been silent for a long while now, my draft posts have been stacking up. I have been swamped and there is a new development – all will be revealed in due course.

Today, there is a different agenda.

As I see you sitting there, my mind races to find something to say or do. I know I’ve put my foot into my mouth more than once, and I am sorry.

It hurts me to see you in this situation and know that I cannot do anything to help you or ease your pain; especially since you have been my rock for a while now. I thought laughter might be a good medicine, but it didn’t turn out as well as I had hoped.

So I’m turning to one of the things I do best.

I will be here for you, no matter what, no matter when or where. Let me be of some service to you. I know you are extremely strong, but I’m here regardless coz I know it’s always good to have someone even if you are He-Man. I can voucher that a few other people will be willing to do the same.

So please, do not do this alone. We are here.

While waiting for my transport home, I let my mind wander – not always a good idea, but it seem like a good idea this time. For some reason, it chose to venture into the realm of my mentors.

They are as different as night and day, yet to me they fulfilled a similar role – albeit two extremes of that role.

The first I was extremely apprehensive when I had to first meet her. From the stories I had heard about her, I was utterly uneasy and was hoping to make a good impression that day. Over the years, we have had a strange relationship. People on the outside might think we are insane, but it’s a just our style of communicating and the way we are together. I’ve grown so much under her tutelage – not just on the work front, but personally as well. In her own special way she has always shown concern onto me and I never imagined someone would care so much about me. So much so, I am unable to just brush her words or actions aside. Even at times, when I don’t say anything, she just seems to understand and be concerned enough to take time out of her busy schedule just for me. In my life, she has become one of the most important people to me.

The second, I actually have known longer than the first, but the first being such a strong character, the rest of us seems to pale in comparison. With her constant listening ear and always there to help me whenever I am in trouble, she is normally the first person I run to for sound advice. Everlastingly patience, she will slowly explain everything, so that I am able to grasp the entire situation. She is always there when I need her and tends to help me keep my feet grounded through all my craziness.

For two people who have never been mothers, it is quite amazing that they have shown me that a mother should really be. For a long time, I was at a lost to what “mum” really meant. But with them in my life, I see it a lot better and I no longer search for the answer as I have found it in the two of them. So this Mother’s Day, this is my tribute to them. Tho they will never read this, nor will I ever call them “mum”, in their own special ways, they have found a place in my heart that can never be removed, for they have shown me what it really means to worry and be concerned about someone.

I just recently watched a show, which tugged terribly hard at the strings of my heart. As I watched the plot unfold, my thoughts wandered to my own experiences. With those thoughts swimming in my head, it is no wonder I now am in a melancholic state of mind. When seeing on television situations very similar to an experience that you have personally experienced, it becomes a whole new ball game. You stop just seeing it as purely entertainment, but also see some of yourself in it.

One of the worst things to experience is that you love someone but yet the two of you are unable to be together, not due to your choice but because of the choices of the people around you or just the unfortunate circumstances that Life throws at us. Even unrequited love doesn’t hurt as much as inability to be together.

The parties end up pinning for each other; be it if they are so near each other but do not know that pertinent nugget of information, or even if they were miles apart. If you happen to be the outsider looking at one of them, you cannot help but feel the sorrow as they try and put on a happy face and smile. Just as you do not see them wipe away the tears and hide the grief so that no one really knows what they are going through.

The strength of the human spirit will probably never cease to amaze me; how it can one walk away from the things that matter so much, especially when the person knows how much pain it will cause or the amount of regret that will plague one. Things like this leaves the mind in turmoil and the spirit spent and tired.

Watching someone walk away can be one of the hardest things to do. Yet not being able to watch the person that matters so much to you walk away is infinitely harder. You don’t know why they are leaving, you just know you have this huge gaping hole, that hurts – and the hurt won’t go away.

Even if you do know why they are leaving, it hurts so bad that they refuse to have anything to do with you. Then human instinct kicks in; you build a wall around yourself to prevent being hurt again. You sit alone behind that wall nursing the pain, licking your wounds, letting the anger taken over you. The anger grows, it festers, it overwhelms, it strengths the wall so that you won’t hurt again.

Sometimes some people manage to weaken the wall. For a while, you start to think that this person means you no harm and then it happens. There is a wound in your wall cause by the person you placed your trust in. And the cycle begins all over again. Just that your resolve to protect yourself gets stronger, and the wall gets harder.

I recently went to a wake & funeral.

It has drudged up feelings of pain, heartache and my lack of filial piety. Closure is something I haven’t found on two deaths in my family. Both for different reasons, yet both still haunts me.

I went to this wake/funeral as it was a loved one of someone I know. When I saw the person walking out with the coffin – I cried too.

I cried for the person, as I know how much hurt she is feeling for losing a loved one.
I cried for the person, who touched me by the strength she was showing to walk with the coffin to take her loved one to her final resting place.
I cried for the person, whose selfless showed when she walked with her family on that painful journey.
I cried for the person, for the love they share, and will continue to share in some way.

Also,
I cried for myself.
I cried for myself, for the lack of loved I have, or do not have.
I cried for myself, for the weakness I portrayed when I should have walked with my loved one.
I cried for myself, for my inability to comfort my family and only cared about myself.
I cried for myself, for I should have been there, instead of giving my time to something that should not be more important.

The lack of closure cuts deeps. I play the scenes over and over in my head. I try to pin the blame on some people – who although was considered part of this act, is not the scapegoat. I dwindle into oblivion, a shell of the person I once was.