I just got over a huge huge scare.

For a while, my darling dear Kel refused to come on. It was a desperate situation to locate the cause of the problem. I was so afraid that she got fried since the power died when I was trying to shift my table and power point for my room spring cleaning cum reorganisation.

Smart Alec me and my wonderful ideas - always getting me into trouble. Next problem is how to fit in a shelf, when the space is so tight! All these wonderful plans just for Chinese New Year.

At least my linens are washed and ready to go on the bed and my curtains are up. Next is to fix my room and get my new clothes in order and to figure out if I can plan my belated party in record time.

I suddenly decided to keep some printed photos that had been lying in my room into my photo box a while ago. It definitely was ages ago, as I haven’t been shooting on my film camera in forever. I don’t even remember taking it out in the last couple of years.

As I was trying to fit everything snuggly into that box, I flipped open one of the albums, then another. The next moment I took them all out of the box and reminisce on all the various shots before putting them back in the box.

It’s odd to see photos of friends you don’t talk to anymore. Or the fact that my hair was so long. Or the adage – “damn I was so skinny???”. I found pictures of a birthday party I had ages ago and I felt this rush of emotion as I recall the party quite vividly and the friends who had helped out in one way or another. I can’t even get my act together to sort out my belated birthday party this year.

The odd thing about my pictures, besides the fact that there are so few pictures of me, most of the pictures are of things. There isn’t many photos with people inside – just a handful. I feel that the lack of people in my photos says a lot about me. I keep spending so much time alone; I think I have forgotten how to be sociable or how to interact. It’s a sort of realisation that I spend so much time alone.

It cannot really be all that healthy, can it? Human beings are wired to connect, to interact. It makes me wonder what I am doing to my mental well-being which in turn affects my physical. Since I don’t pay attention to either, maybe its time I took stock to see if my lifestyle needs a change. 

This year’s parting seemed a lot less painful on the surface as compared to last year. The internal struggle before and the quiet moments after say otherwise though.

I know it is only temporary, but my mind can’t seem to wrap myself around that. Especially since I need him here now more than ever. I just cannot bring myself to tell him that for various reasons. 

Lately, I realise I lack motivation to do anything.

Although I am extremely passionate about my job, there is a lot of times I just cannot seem to make myself do some work that I just have to do. And it is not just work that I lack the motivation – it’s has become a general disinterest in life. It worries me that I have lost my zest for life.

I used to be so willing to suddenly jump up and do things. As a little child, I even tried my hand at starting my own business and I even had a small profit after a week or two. Unfortunately, a teacher found out and that was the end of my entrepreneurial stint.

It’s Sunday afternoon and I have been trying to complete the work I would have to complete by Monday. I already slept for nearly 16 hours last night. One entire weekend seems completely wasted all because I cannot bring myself to just finish what I know I have to do. Instead, I’m blogging and not working. I have to sort out my room as well as my computer that have been long over due for spring cleaning.

To add to all this, I am supposed to be at the airport later to see a friend off but I still am not half way through my work at all.

I think the picture says it all. Not much need for my ramblings. Twas a great night. Thanks

This Mandy can be both evurl and nice at the same time. As I was down and whiny today, he tried his best to cheer me up with his nonsense. From boobs to errr boobs he did try his utmost to entertain himself.

Then suddenly, he asked something so out of character it was so frustrating. The dreaded question for any single - How come you aren’t dating anyone?

I agree some people stay single by choice. But most are single by circumstance. For me, I’m completely tied up with work that leaves me little to no time for socialising. Any free time I have is spent on desperately needed rest or catching up with friends I haven’t seen in ages. When the only new people you meet are new colleagues joining the company and various work related contacts – the “dating” pool is still non-existent.

With one major festive period over, I am quite thankful I was sick during that period so I had a good excuse to miss many a gathering and saved myself trouble of biting my tongue and giving a saccharine sweet answer.

Chinese New Year is a whole new ball game. Each year I go through the motions of telling my Chinese relatives why I work so hard when a lot of them think I should not work so hard, and go out and find someone to just settle down with. It sounds terribly demeaning coming from them as by their tone they believe that I am unable to achieve anything.

Why is it just because we are single, everyone feels we need to go out more and meet more people? Sometimes one does not have the energy for that.

Another weekend wasted.

It seems all I do all weekend is either work or sleep. More the latter lately. It seems so strange to just let it all pass by. It is like I’m letting my entire life pass me by without being part of it.

The lack of any achievement or effort to do anything each weekend is really starting to get to it. As it is, I work like crazy during the week; it is really stupid that I’m not even making use of my weekend. I have tons of things to do – pictures to sort, lists to make, books to wrap, movies to catch, DVDs to watch – but I just sleep all day and feel sorry for myself for being lazy. I’m not sure if I’m still sick coz I am not making the effort to go out and get fresh air, or coz I am really not recovering as I should.

This lack of ambition or aim is terribly useless and not helping my state of mind.

How do I get myself in motion?