Truth be told, I’m a hoarder. I don’t like throwing away things because ‘what if I need it in the future?’ Which is probably why I have so much worldly possessions that my room is so filled with items.

(To my credit, I did throw out a lot when I was spring cleaning for this lunar new year. Not that I finished the cleaning tho.)

When I was looking through my cupboard, pulled out some items that I haven’t used in ages and put them aside. After all the wonderful compliments I got over the new year on the weight I had lost I dragged out a pair of jeans that had been relegated to the recesses of my cupboard as I had grown a little too big for them previously. A little shove and a little pull, I was once again snuggly inside one of my favourite pairs of jeans.

Walking around town in them just made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside for no apparent reason.

On the first day of the Lunar New Year – I end up crying. To some, it would not be the New Year yet, since it was in the wee hours of the morning, but I digress.

My eyes are swollen and they hurt like crazy and my mind is on overdrive. I’m taking apart every word said, every act that was done. Just to see if I missed anything out.

I am not so sure if I have been selfish and only saw what I wanted to see. When all is said and done, I think he has suffered more than me, tho we have had different hardships to endure due to the family. But I seem to be the one who is holding on to the grudges and grievances while he has forgiven and moved beyond it.

Have I put on blinders so that I only see what is in line with what I would like to believe and in line with my thoughts? Has this whole seven years been about me? Why is it so hard for me to just put everything behind me and move forward? These and so many more questions are swimming through my head at this moment.

I know I’m just not equipped or strong enough to do a lot of things, but now I start to wonder if I have sat down and just refused to do it citing various reasons that might not have held up if I really looked deep into it.

Sometimes I wonder why I think so much.

A sudden craving ended up to be a special moment with a memory that will always bring a smile to my face.

Finding my pancake mix in the cupboard spurred me to prepare some. And with all food, PC comes around asking for someone. A strange one she is, she might have eaten it before and did not like it, but she will ask for it again. I think she has yet to learn that things will always taste the same.

The last time we had pancakes, she adamantly refused to even try it. I believe this was during the period when she had just learnt how to say no and was putting her foot down whenever she could.

So in the middle of the afternoon, I dragged out the mini pan and started it up. Soon the wonderful smell of melted butter was all over the kitchen while PC kept poking her head in to be the little busybody she is. When we finally put the pancakes in front of her, boy did she finish them all in record time.

When she was done with all on her plate, I had already some more made coz I just didn’t feel satisfied with my couple of pieces. The grin on her face when we put some more on her plate was so magical and shone like a megawatt bulb.

Her expression after is the moment I will always remember. She passed me her empty plate and asked for more. For a moment there, Oliver Twist ran through my head. When I told her that there was none left, her pitiful expression mixed with the satisfaction of having something so delicious in her tummy had got me in stitches. Such a classic look from her, not something I would have expected from a two-year-old.

Who says pancakes are for breakfast only?